A religious person (read: zealot) will tell you, with confidence, that when God closes a door he opens a window. And that He only gives you what you can handle. My experience has been that although this could be true, the window is often in another room and you have to go looking for it. And, sometimes, the window is there but you have to grab an ax or baseball bat or use your damn elbow to break through it. It always seems like some kind of cruel joke.

A realist (read: cynic) will tell you, with confidence, that sometimes bad things just plain happen and you have to work your way through it the best you can. Or that finding the greater meaning of things is just a temporary and shallow comfort and that life is just hard. End of story. It’s a grind. In my experience, this can also be true. Bad things do happen. To the best kinds of people. For no discernible reason.

I have often found myself aligning with the first option, except I get really pissed off when God does something completely absurd. No amount of “God works in mysterious ways” will make me feel better. It’s a cop-out. On the other hand, swaying completely to the other side of things is a dark place to be emotionally. That’s why people throw themselves off of buildings.

I am trying to find balance in my life between these two extremes. I seek the greater meaning of things but also try to accept that sometimes things just are the way they are. Every day I feel a little different about everything.

A few months ago, a very close person to me passed away. He suffered from terminal cancer and so everyone knew the end result would be his passing. For a few years after he was diagnosed things were more or less okay. When he finally got so sick that it was obvious he wasn’t coming out of it, we all came together as one family to support one another and most important, support him.

In a way it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. All of us come from different walks of life and our lives are all in different places. We all have jobs and marriages and lives across the country and piles of crap to take care of. And yet, the love of one very special individual brought us all together. For me it was an experience that revealed the character of everyone around me, and my character as well. It was truly awful and painful and heartbreaking. But it was beautiful because it demonstrated what human beings are capable of when everything is on the line. How we can support one another and leave differences aside for one common goal. How no matter how bad things get, love will always prevail. The love for the person that is passing on and the love for one another.

Unfortunately, with all things, there is fallout. All of us are in pain over the loss of a loved one. He was kind, special, freaking hilarious, gentle, and an all-around great man. And on the days where I am angry at God for taking him away before the natural course of things, I just tell myself that life is a grind and sometimes bad things happen. It does not make me feel better, but it’s better than “God works in mysterious ways”. It’s not all that mysterious. He got sick and he died. And it sucks.

On days where I am a little less angry, I think that he is probably watching over all of us and cracking jokes the whole time. That it’s okay because at least he’s not hurting anymore and if that was God’s plan I can live with it.

After he passed away, I just wanted to write about it. I knew that I would feel better if I just wrote about it. But I didn’t really have time to process because of what happened next.

Most married people will tell you that the way they feel about their spouse is completely unique in that you can never feel it until you get there. No matter how deep you think your love can be, getting married changes everything. You reach deeper levels of love and respect, as well as deeper levels of loathing. My father once told me that true love is when you want to kill the person you are with, you plot out their death, but never go through with it. I found myself many times being so angry with my husband but unable to really do anything about it because of the intense love I felt for him. And since a marriage is a marathon and not a race, I chalked most the crap up to that first year being hard just like everyone says it is.

However, we can all agree that there are some things that are endgames. Some things one person can do to another and there’s really no recovering from it. On the day that we put this loved one in the ground, such a thing happened between my husband as I. And so, after weeks of misery finally coming to a close, before I could even think to process what had just happened to someone I loved and those loved ones around me, my marriage ended abruptly.

I mentioned that sometimes God closes a door and opens a window, but in my experience you have to find the window and break through. In this case at least it was easy to find the window, and breaking through wasn’t so bad. The hard part came afterward, and continues at this very moment and will continue until I am what I lovingly refer to (read: sarcasm) as “all better”.

Part of being married is feeling that no matter what happens, someone has your back. There is an anchor there and life will never sweep you away in all its madness because someone is tethering you to sanity. To lose this loved one and my anchor in such close proximity to one another had an interesting effect. Although I was caught in the maddening current of pain that life can offer, I was also awarded with the perfect clarity of what to do and when to do it. It was easy, those first few weeks. It was also terrifying, and horribly sad, and horribly painful, but it was at least easy. I was lucky enough to have the strength to do what was right instead of what was easy.

Honestly, I chalk most of that up to my amazing family and friends. I had such a terrific support system those first few weeks and continue to have that support system when it has gotten even harder. A huge shout out to everyone that listened to me talk for hours about the same damn thing over and over again. I love to talk, this is true, but when I get annoyed by the sound of my own voice it’s a damn miracle that the person on the other end is even still in the same county. I am eternally grateful to those people who were exactly what I needed and needed nothing from me in return.

And also, honestly, I still think that I don’t have it as bad as some of the others. Yes, I did lose a loved one and then my husband did something ugly and cruel and horrifying all at the same  time. But I didn’t lose a father, or a husband, or a best friend to death. It is humbling to have a little perspective, that although what happened to me was just plain awful, it could have been a lot worse.

That sums up June through September.

In some ways it feels like it has been a lifetime since I was more or less happily married and our loved one was still with us. In other ways it feels fresh, as if it all just happened last week. The inconsistency of it all is exhausting. That one day I wake up feeling strong and sure of the world around me. Others I wake up miserable and in pain.

I am 110% sure of the decisions I have made since everything happened. After I left my husband, I moved out of the state and back home with my parents. Quit my job and left the field I worked in to be a waitress to pay my way through school. Which, I might add, is a really sweet deal for me. Four years from now I will have a Bachelors and little to no debt thanks to my amazing parents. I left my friends behind, the life I had been building for five years, and everything that made me feel safe to start over.

On good days I feel very lucky to have had this happen now. Before babies and mortgages entered the picture. On bad days I grieve the loss of a future that I was, more or less, looking forward to. Good days I think that being divorced at 23 is no big deal and just something that happened. Bad days it’s embarrassing and I feel like the girl with a t-shirt that says “I’m completely screwed up, please ask me how”. Sometimes a song will play and I don’t really mind. Other times a different song will play and I have a freaking meltdown.

Everyone tells me that all of my feelings are valid. Everyone also seems really impressed that I didn’t stay, that I am making all of these really scary decisions and being really brave. I don’t really see myself that way whether  the day is good or bad, I just feel disappointed that I went out into the world and fell on my face. And fell in love with someone who hurt me so deeply. On any kind of day I think that I am permanently different from who I was six months ago. That I am never going to be as close to another human being than I was to my husband because being hurt this bad doesn’t balance out the love.

Some have told me that a year or two from now I will look back on all of this and it will just be something that happened and I won’t hurt at all. That’s probably true. It’s nice to know that I will only have to grind it out for a little while before I no longer feel so awful about everything. But, unfortunately, I’ll never forget what happened or how bad things could get. It sort of feels like an emotional car accident. No matter how long after something like this happens, I think I will always be aware of the dangers presented.

On the other hand, I also believe that life without meaningful relationships is an empty life. Life is messy, people get hurt, and I do believe that being a good person means that in terms of checks and balances everything will end up alright at the end. So overall I am mostly positive and not really worried about my long-term happiness. That’s kind of cool. But it’s a cold comfort, just like what the cynics and zealots tell you.

At the end of the day I try to accept what is happening to me and around me as the way things are and I do what I can to have an impact where I can. The rest I just try to let go and hope that others will have patience while I try to figure it all out. So far everyone has been really cool about it, for which I am extremely grateful. It’s a telling experience how people treat you when you’re hard to be around or things go wrong. Separates the good ones from the bad ones, as cliché as that sounds… it’s true.

Regardless, in a few weeks this will all be over. On paper, anyway. I think that I am evolving as a human being and when I finally do reach the elusive “all better” state, I will be a completely different person than most people are accustomed to. I usually say that people are, fundamentally, who they are. But there are parts of me that need to be refined and groomed, and some that just need to be different altogether.

I see myself being less generous emotionally and more reserved, perhaps a little more selfish. Falling over myself to give people what they need is what got me into this mess in the first place and I really need to stop doing that. I’m already less inclined to put my earnestly beating heart on a silver platter and hand it over to anyone. It’s kind of locked up right now, from everyone, because I got burned so intensely. Also, everything fun or satisfying in my life has kind of been put on hold pending my graduation from nursing school. Seeking out instant gratification for me into this mess as well, and I am perfectly content grinding it out and making all kinds of sacrifices for the next four years to put myself in a position where instant gratification is possible.

I was granted the gift of a second chance. No matter how horrible the circumstances leading up to this chapter in my life, I still have it. And I’m really not interested in blowing it over things I am guaranteed to happen later if I could just learn a little patience and sacrifice.

Most importantly, every day I feel stronger in who I am as an individual. The end goal is for me to be my own anchor, the only person tying myself to sanity. On a good day I feel like I am going to light the world on fire with all this drive. On a bad day I feel like I am free-falling and it’s terrifying.

Hopefully by the end of all of it that strong sense of self will be permanent and I can just live my life the way I want to and be truly happy.

Over the weekend I had a nice visit from a fellow blogger and personal friend. His online alias is Jack Camwell and you can find his blog here: You’re welcome for the plug, Jack.

We have known each other from some time; we used to work in the same call center. He is a great conversationalist and we talked for hours about everything. My most favorite topic, however, is what I wanted to blog about today.

You see, it is common knowledge that when you are meeting someone new you have to make an impression upon that person. Some people present who they really are (or as close as they can get) but most play what Jack and I referred to as The Game.

The Game, from my understanding, has few rules. The object, of course, is to get ahead. At the end of The Game, the person you have just met likes you enough to continue seeing you some more. This could be in a professional atmosphere, education one or most commonly a social situation.

The Game isn’t just played between men and women; it is also played between women and men. I can’t speak for The Game between two men, but I can give my perspective on the others.

In my experience, this is how The Game between women goes:

Step One: Meet woman and immediately assess everything physical you can find. What are her obvious strengths? What causes me to feel threatened by her? What is she lacking? What do I have that she doesn’t? Do I rate her below me, above me, or are we about the same? What is her socio-economic status?

The things we look for can fluctuate based on the situation and some things are definitely amped up, especially if it’s between two straight women and at least one available, attractive (enough) straight man.

Step Two: Assess if I need anything from her. Do I want to be her friend? Is she my boss? Is she competing with me for something? Do I need her to advance professionally or socially?

If the answer to Step Two is no, The Game is over. If yes, proceed to Step Three. I should probably point out that these things can be determined – probably incorrectly – within moments of meeting someone. Basically you establish where you stand against the person and what you need or what she means to you right now.

Step Three: Try to make the best first impression possible. This is true no matter what the social situation barring a conflict from the get go. Now, there may be layers of other crap in there. For example, if it’s a girl you’re competing with for a guy make the first impression a good one. But also passively know that you aren’t going down without a fight.

I’d really like to take a break to let everyone know that I am just giving my perspective of how the world operates. I do not consciously do these things and if I feel myself start to do them I try to stop. I think this is human nature, but the deeper I get the more ugly I feel it is when it’s all written down like this.

I digress.

Step Four: Take any moments where the attention isn’t on you to further assess this person.

Now, another aside. I don’t really think most people do this. I am sure they do it a little, but I think most people are too self-involved to really pay attention to what’s going on around them. Jack and I, however, understand that this step is most crucial. It’s a dog eat dog world, pardon the cliché, and the dogs that are hyper-aware always win in the long run.

The people that are good at The Game understand that understanding the other players is key. How else are you going to master manipulate the shit out of them to win?

Step Five: Use the knowledge you have gained so far to point out your opponent’s weaknesses and compensate for your weaknesses by demonstrating your strengths. This can be done aggressively or passively. I myself can be a very passive person. I believe that other people will show their weaknesses and all I have to do is show my strengths and the third person will put two and two together. I also believe that I should not try to go toe to toe with someone unless I am clearly the better party.

Jack and I discuss at great length The Game and why I’m not very good at it. I think the answer lies in Step Five. You see, by being a passive person I end up usually losing. It might be a dog eat dog world, but I don’t much care for the taste of dog meat. I tend to bow out if it’s a losing battle. I really only stick with it if the odds are in my favor to win.

This might be the part of The Game where I take a turn for the worse whereas people like Jack (and my husband, funnily enough) flourish. I just don’t have the stomach for it.

Step Six: If you have put yourself as the clear frontrunner, finish with humility and charm to seal the deal. This part I am really good at if the competition isn’t too strong and I actually get there!

So there you have it. The Game: Woman versus Woman. I imagine the Man versus Man is a lot similar, except instead there’s more testosterone and dick waving. Maybe some violence or just flat out cruelty.

As far as Woman versus Man, it’s a lot simpler.

A woman’s perspective:

Meet the guy, decide if he’s worth your time, have a conversation. See if there is chemistry, analyze everything about him, and give him your number. Talk about him with your friends extensively, question your judgment, and agonize over waiting for his phone call. If he does call you, decide whether or not you want to meet him. Repeat process until the end result is sex or you lose interest.

From a man’s perspective, I imagine it goes a lot like this:

Meet woman; want to have sex with her. Start conversation and tell her everything that sounds good; you’ll worry about the details later. Harass her (in the form of polite conversation) until you get her number, and then talk it over with your buddies to see if she seemed hot enough to bang. If that is the case, repeat process. If you start to really like her, introduce substance and depth so she doesn’t lose interest. If you lost interest, cut all contact or make up a lame excuse as to why you won’t return her calls.

I hope no men are offended by my interpretation; I am not a man. Maybe I will ask my husband. We’ll see what he has to say…

Well, he made an uncomfortable face because it’s kind of mean to put it out there like that but he did smile and laugh and say that’s pretty much how it goes.

It’s important to be aware of The Game in life so that you may be successful. It’s kind of crappy to lay it out just like that, but I’m just being real here.

Happy gaming.

This post’s brilliance has to do with controversy. I thought it might be fun if I went through the staple political and social issues and briefly stated my view on each. I have no doubt I will elaborate on some of these in separate posts, but here is the rundown of where I fall on the issues. If I ever try to run for Prez, please stop me. I’d be screwed.

Abortion – I support a woman’s right to choose. For me personally I would not choose to have an abortion, but if you asked me five years ago it may have been a different answer. I just don’t think it’s good form to boss other people around, especially when it comes to their bodies. Also, Pro-Choice is NOT Anti-Life.

Alcohol – Lower the drinking age and make Breathalyzers on cars mandatory. By 21 I had a complete understanding of how to handle alcohol. But, then again, I had been drinking for four years by then. Kids need about five years to get a handle on it.

Aliens – Oh yeah. There are definitely aliens.

Animal Experimentation – OK for medicine, not good for cosmetics. Actually did a speech on this in high school – shout out to Mrs. Cheek she was awesome!

Breed Banning – I’ve never met a pit bull I didn’t adore. Nurture over nature on that one.

Creation vs. Evolution – A little of both, actually. Believe in a higher power but also believe in species evolving over time.

Death Penalty – No. No. No.

Death via Assisted Suicide/Euthanasia – Yes, but must meet criteria. Like… a screening to make sure the person is capable of making that decision.

Divorce – Don’t believe in going back on your word but there are exceptions. Violence is one and infidelity another. And I’m not talking about something like a kiss… it’s a lot easier to accidentally kiss someone than to accidentally bang them – excuse to language. That just doesn’t happen. And a kiss I could probably work through, sex I could not.

Drug Legalization – If it grows out of the ground, sell it and tax it. Can you say: no more debt for the good ole US OF A? Sure we’d all be high but to my knowledge no one has ever smoked a joint and jumped off a building because they thought they could fly. They just wanna eat and watch cartoons or the Animal Planet.

Drug Testing – Only if there are performance problems.

Guns – Seriously get rid of them all. Let’s go back to fighting with sticks and stones. I always say to my husband… if we DON’T have a gun in the house, the chance of me getting accidentally shot is ZERO. If we have a gun in the house, the probability goes up 100 percent…

Homosexuality – A chemical is in charge of who you are attracted to. Proof? I’m married and see beautiful people all the time that my body responds to. Not being a slut, that’s a choice. Whatever my body does its chemical. Besides, why would anyone choose something guaranteed to cause them almost constant misery (from a social aspect, of course)?

Illegal Immigrants – This country was founded on immigrants. It would be hypocritical to ban them now.

Lottery – Get rid of it.

Marriage, same-sex – Pro! Pro!

Tobacco – Bad for us. My choice. Leave it alone. OK with banning in restaurants/bars, but wish there was a section.

Welfare – Like the idea of the system but think need stronger screening process, like routine drug screens etc.

Well, it’s another beautiful day at casa de Kyrston. Sun shining, birds singing, nice cool breeze… and there’s a man here about some poop.

Today’s the day that the septic system at our house gets emptied. I went outside to dead head the flowers (pick the dead blooms off so that more will grow) and water them, then a nice man in a huge truck backed his shit up to suck our shit out with a big tube. (Sorry, couldn’t resist.) I imagine it will be kind of cool to watch. The dog, of course, it going ballistic.

As I was outside watering the flowers I was thinking about what to blog about today. I really wanted to write something but I’ve gotten out of the habit of doing it. It used to come so easily… I would be driving somewhere or doing something and I would realize… “I have got to write this all down when I get home.” Now it’s not so easy, trying to balance the need to write with some kind of censor. 

Ha. Me. A censor. Funny.

Anyway, this is what I keep circling back to and even though I feel like I’ve talked about it until my face turns blue. Since my opinion hasn’t changed in all these years I’m willing to bet its safe to write about. It’s not really that great, but it will get the ball rolling on future blogging.

So, where I live is pretty red. When I say that what I mean is that a large portion of the people I encounter can be somewhat narrow-minded, racist, homophobic, and just plain old Republican. I’m pretty near the Bible belt.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Okay, really there is, but I learned a long time ago that if you can’t surround yourself with people who share your ideals then you better play nice with the ones that don’t.

Sorry, had to go flush the toilet for the septic guy. Man, the dog went nuts barking at the door and his hair stood up. Good boy, Duke.

Back to what I was saying.

There’s a phrase that many people around me use. I don’t use the N word so prepare yourself for its nastiness on your screen.

“There’s a difference between a black person and a nigger.”

Ugh. Even typing that word, thinking it in my head, makes me a little queasy.

See, if you ask people around here what it means, they will tell you that a Nigger is an ignorant person and the type of black person that gives all black people a bad name. That they like black people fine enough it’s just the shady ones that they can’t stand.

And I, in my infinite brilliance, present this argument. Usually they are left with nothing more than mumbles in response. Win.

Firstly, I don’t care what the textbook definition of that word is. It has a social connotation, which you are aware, and you must take responsibility for that. You can’t walk around expecting people to think you meant the dictionary definition and not the extremely ugly racist slang. By the look on your face I can guess you already know this and you understand that it was a weak part of your initial argument.

Secondly, why bring race into it at all? You sound like a racist. I’m not a racist, I like black people just fine. No, you’re not hearing me, why do you have to specify the color of that person’s skin? When I see the world, I do not see color. No black, no white, no yellow or tan or purple or green. I see human beings. They have hearts that beat and blood which courses and feelings and their tongues are all pink like mine. The color of their skin is completely irrelevant – something they were born with and can’t help – just like the color of my eyes. It has NOTHING to do with their behavior.

I am extremely judgmental, and I only feel a little bad about this, because I judge on behavior. If a person, black or white or whatever, rapes a woman… they are just bad. I’m not surprised if I find out it was a black person, white people are capable of the same crimes.

You wouldn’t have to tell me the story and include the race. As a matter of fact, how often is race included in the news?

Cue newsperson’s voice:

Today a black man sexually assaulted a white woman in an alley in…

Wow I can’t even pretend to finish that. When are we – the 1950’s??

Rant interrupted again… had to flush a few more times for the guy.

So, anyway, it irks me to no end. Leave someone’s skin out of it. Because once you open the door to that mentality, it’s just a matter of time before you become more and more close minded. It is for this reason that the word Nigger is not allowed to be spoken in our house. You walk through the door, you leave that word outside.

Most everyone is comfortable with that. In the beginning I let it slide but then I just said ENOUGH. And when I explained it to people all they were left to say is OK, Missus, we won’t say it. And when a new person comes along and says it, the others make sure to explain the rules. And when they ask me why… I have to start all over again.

It surprises me that in this day and age we still have so much racism in the country. It just doesn’t make sense at all. The whole idea that someone could just DECIDE blacks are less than whites AND EVERYONE WENT ALONG WITH IT… it’s just ludicrous. I mean do people not have their own minds?

But, then again, I was raised in an extremely open-minded home will parents that accept the world around them. In our house it simply just didn’t come up until someone from the outside world exposed it to us and we came home asking questions. I can’t imagine a world where that lesson was part of my upbringing.

To me, trash is trash. It doesn’t really matter what color skin you have or where you live or whether you like boys or girls or trees. Weakness of character is just that… and that kind of thing is relayed through behavior, not skin color.

This is a poem I wrote two years ago, another one of my favorites. If you can’t tell, I really love writing sonnets…

But what is desire? Need unfulfilled?
It is but a tortuous, scalding flame.
A true existence upon which to build
dangerous relationships. None to blame 

for my masochism. But –  to implode
would be nice for awhile. And then see
with clear eyes, smell clear smell, and overload
my being, my senses, and to just be. 

With the time nigh and your presence so near,
I think my self-control is about to
wither into nothingness. Please, come here
just so that I may be a part of you. 

With an abundance of heat and the swell
of emotion, madness will turn as well.

This is a poem I wrote back in 2006. I went through a phrase where I wrote poetry in droves. Unfortunately most of it is crap, but this one I really like. Enjoy!

Without hope I pause underneath the shade
of a willow tree too worn-out to weep.
Your happiness, as well as mine, forbade.
Our secrets, again, we are forced to keep. 

Hot summer nights beckon rain from bleak skies.
Reality bends, drops begin to fall.
Two faces: a canvas. We wonder: why?
All that we knew, knowing nothing at all. 

A mound of our wishes crushed long ago
beneath the heel of fate, where they shall stay.
But where are we going? We’ll never know.
Life will continue, this game we shall play.

Perhaps, one day, we will meet you and I.
Until then, my canvas mirrors the sky.

If you took the time to read the About portion of my little blog here then you understand the title. I have been blogging for many years but it has been quite a while since I have done it at all, let alone a regular basis.

This is a place for me to express myself. I hate writing in an actual diary because my brain works faster than my handwriting and I don’t want to be slowed down by writer’s cramp.

I also believe that putting it out there for everyone to see makes it real – you can’t hide from what you say or how you feel.

That being said, it isn’t really a diary at all. I won’t be posting about my drama with my friends or the drama at work or the drama with my spouse. That is a good way to lose all three. I briefly considered creating a blog under a false identity so that I could do this, but the idea was fleeting and, if I may point out the obvious, incredibly moronic.

So it will most likely be a place where I can share my thoughts and feelings about lots of different stuff. My friends and husband will tell you that I can talk for hours. Part of this is because I just have so much to say, but mostly I think it takes me awhile to “talk it out” and get to the core of what’s going on. I don’t really expect anyone to have to listen to my external thought process, but hey, I can write all damn day and no one has to read it if they don’t want to. I, however, feel much better afterwards.

Not only that, but I imagine this will someday turn into a way to keep family in touch with what’s going on in my life. I do have a FB but it never really seemed like a good blogging website. WordPress, however, is dedicated to something like this. Or BlogSpot, or LiveJournal, or Tumblr, or YouTube. Whatever medium strikes your fancy. I chose this one.

So maybe eventually this will be the place to post about my pregnancy or my house or my children or my… whatever. But for right now it’s just for posting me.