AFTERMATH

The multiple tactics an aggressor will use to control and hurt a victim are frighteningly effective. Both Peter and Michelle experienced this treatment across multiple partners and over an extended period of time – these were not isolated incidents. Typically, abuse starts with the least-severe types of nonphysical abuse and becomes increasingly severe over time. In many cases, victims are either not aware that this behavior is abuse or are unsure how to address it. Even after the victim realizes what is happening, it is common that he or she will stay in the relationship. The reasons for this vary, but every victim deserves respect and kindness. Society will commonly judge a victim harshly for staying in an abusive relationship, but it is hard to understand the mental and emotional trap that exists within one. For both Peter and Michelle, they did not want to fail. They both believed they could fix the relationship if they tried hard enough. Other individuals may be too financially unstable to separate from the partner, there may be children involved, or friends and relatives may pressure the victim to fix the broken relationship. Often victims stay because they do not believe they deserve better treatment, or they feel an obligation to support and take care of the aggressor. They may feel what is happening is wrong, but their self-esteem and self-worth are low and they are hesitant to make a change. In any case, it is complicated and difficult to extract oneself from an abusive circumstance.

Although many of the abusive incidents that Peter and Michelle experienced lefts visible signs of abuse, there are far more emotional wounds – the most devastating wounds in the world are not visible. Peter, for example, drank heavily after the abusive incidents and was depressed for a long time. At one point, he considered committing suicide, even putting a belt around his neck in preparation and stopping at the last minute. Even though these events happened several years ago, Peter described himself as jaded and has episodes of depression. His aggressors’ tactics changed the way he feels about himself and relationships.

ABUSE AND SOCIETY

The Power and Control Wheel is comprehensive, but not all-inclusive. Because some abusive behaviors are more severe than others, society generally defines abuse as violent acts. The behaviors described in the preceding paragraphs might seem common, and that is because most relationships contain one or more of these behaviors from not just one, but both partners. To further complicate things, pop-culture defines our gender roles and we subconsciously play our parts. Men and women are defined in specific ways – often with the woman being represented as emotional, needy, and overbearing. The man is often represented as unfeeling, masculine, and invulnerable. These representations have affected the way human beings see one another. Aggressors know this, whether it be consciously or subconsciously, and can easily take advantage of preconceived notions to play into the stereotypes.

For example, a man can treat a woman as overly emotional, dramatic, needy, and weak. The woman is more likely to accept this treatment because society and pop-culture have trained her to believe these things about herself. Decades ago, intimate partner abuse became a widely accepted cultural phenomenon and there has been much progress to combat the “War on Women”. There are many websites, organizations, and resources for abuse victims. Unfortunately, most of these resources are catered towards women, with some even stating that the most common victims of abuse are women, even though nearly every scientific study conducted shows that there are an equal number of male and female victims and aggressors (Fiebert).

Table 1

Note: From Murray Straus, Ph.D., Co-Director Family Research Laboratory, University of New Hampshire, presentation to the National Family Violence Legislative Center conference “From Ideology to Inclusion,” Sacramento, California, February 2008. Courtesy of Murray A. Straus. (Cook, p 13)

This table, located in Philip W. Cook’s book Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence (courtesy of Dr. Murray Straus), reveals the truth about male and female perpetrators. There are ten examples from the hundreds of studies that have been conducted by social scientists. The last two columns – male and female – identify the aggressor of the violence in the relationship. Statistically speaking, there are an equal number of male and female aggressors. This information is crucial in how society handles intimate partner abuse. One of the first studies conducted was in the 1970’s by Dr. Murray Straus, a highly-respected social scientist in the field of partner violence. The study reflects the same results: there is gender symmetry in the aggressors of intimate partner abuse. A second study conducted by Dr. Straus, ten years later, reflects the same information. By 1986 there were twenty-three surveys, including two national ones, which reflected the insignificance and symmetry of an aggressor’s gender. This information is alarming, because after almost forty years of research and data, there are still men – including Peter – that say they are indeed the victim and not the aggressor. The results have not changed the way society views intimate partner abuse.

Society’s interpretation of gender roles affects the way intimate partner abuse is handled when it comes to the support of the victim. It is well-known that female victims have a plethora of support and resources in a time of crisis. Law enforcement officers are better equipped to handle what was, at one time, seen as a private family matter. It is easier to obtain and enforce a restraining order. There are crisis hotlines, shelters, and support groups. All of these resources and tools are wonderful for a traumatized victim. It is hard to leave an abusive relationship – the more help the victim has, the better chances of success. Sadly, only half of the victims in question have access to this support: females.

Male victims have little-to-no support by comparison. With society assuming men to be the aggressor and not the victim, the resources available to women are not available to men. Male victims also struggle with how to feel about the abuse received from a female. Many men are bewildered, confused, embarrassed, and ashamed. These emotions exist in female victims, but are exaggerated in males due to the pressure of society’s expectations and preconceived notions about gender roles. Peter had a similar problem – he did not tell anyone about the abuse while it was happening, and seldom talked about it afterward. When a male victim finally does speak out and tries to seek support to make the abuse stop, they encounter many roadblocks. Many male victim testimonies reinforce this fact, as seen in the following victim interviews conducted by author Philip W. Cook:

My attorney was no use. She was slow to act and never requested a restraining order. (p 68)

I had read in M.S. magazine that if you are the victim of domestic assault, you should get treatment, take photographs, which I had a friend do, and call a domestic violence shelter. So I spent several hours that evening calling, saying, ‘This is what happened. The police refuse to take a report. I need a restraining order. How can I get her arrested?’ They [the domestic violence shelter] said, ‘Well, we don’t help know what to say to a man.’ Or, ‘We just help women.’ They would refuse to answer my questions because I am male. (p 69)

If it had been a man beating up a woman, they would have made an arrest. They [the police] said, ‘We ain’t taking no report from you buddy.’ (p 68)

The judge asked me about my career plans. I told him that I was working on building up a consulting practice in my home (which I had experience in), using the computer, fax, and modem, so I could be at home most of the time to take care of the kids. The judge (who is in his seventies), looks at me and says ‘Young man, you need to go out and get a regular job, and fulfill a more traditional father role.’ [Later in the interview, the interviewee tells Cook that full custody of the children was awarded to the ex-wife, despite overwhelming evidence of abusing the interviewee.] (p 72)

The problems associated with intimate partner abuse are numerous and overwhelming. Explored in this research paper are abusive behaviors and the role of male victims in relation to society’s perception of gender roles. The victim is often confused as to which behaviors can be classified as abusive. The Power and Control Wheel is as informative as it is valuable in assisting the victim to feel validated. Society’s understanding of aggressor gender roles is inaccurate and negatively affects the support and resources available to only half of all abuse victims. These two issues only represent a small portion of problems. Others include the victim’s long-term psychological complications as a result of intimate partner violence (including posttraumatic stress disorder), ineffective prevention methods, and limited awareness. The limited awareness raises the most questions. Why is it that, after forty years of research and over two hundred studies, the collective view on intimate partner abuse is so inaccurate and unchanging? Specifically, how it is not common-knowledge that an equal number of victims are male, rather than the stereotype that most victims are female? If this misconception exists for intimate partner abuse, it is likely that it also applies to other relationships as well. This type of treatment extends beyond intimate relationships to relationships with friends, family, coworkers, and strangers. If we, collectively, understand the full spectrum of abuse – and the variety of ways that we can hurt one another – perhaps we can end the cycle and exist in a more respectful community.

WORKS CITED

“abuse.” Dictionary.com Unabridged. Random House, Inc. Web. 16 Jul. 2013.

Cook, Philip W. Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence. Westport, CT: Praeger, 1997. Print.

Fiebert, Martin S. “References Examining Assaults By Women On Their Spouses Or Male Partners: An Annotated Bibliography.” References Examining Assaults by Women on Their Spouses or Male Partners: An Annotated Bibliography. Department of Psychology, June 2012. Web. 18 July 2013.

BIBLIOGRAPHY

Felson, Richard B. Violence & Gender Reexamined. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association, 2002. Print.

Jasinski, Jana L., and Linda M. Williams. Partner Violence: A Comprehensive Review of 20 Years of Research. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications, 1998. Print.

“Loveisrespect.org.” Web. N.p., n.d. Web. 16 July 2013.

O’Leary, K. Daniel, and Erica M. Woodin. Psychological and Physical Aggression in Couples: Causes and Interventions. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association, 2009. Print.